Its a mad world

so I'm late in posting this time. The outlook from my window is grey and wet and having sat a while I'm now chilly enough to put the heating on but I'll refrain.

Our son completed his last horse riding session a week ago Monday  and as a result has had two weeks in lessons full time. The complications continue and with it my frame of mind. I appreciate they say when you have kids it doesn't come with a manual but when there are other issues adding to the mix you end up feeling completely incompetent at dealing with what presents itself. Lump that together with teaching staff that don't seem to have any experience of Autism or any other issues and it makes for a tennis match where i am the ball. Looking back you do wonder how you are supposed to be doing what's best for your child when the idea of putting a label on him is so frowned upon, we were once told that, he'll carry it into his next school and into a job in later life, so the alternatives is that we don't recognise there might be an issue and he doesn't finish school due to the issues it presents and then can't get a job!

Autism, assuming that is what is happening here is such a complex thing. Like each of us the issues that come up for each person vary, even understanding those issues takes time, and to seperate something that might just be part of a persons personality from being an underlying trate is even harder never mind if their a teenager with raging hormones etc. So being aware of personal space has been a big issue for as long as i remember, when our son was young and in nursery he would hug other children and possibly certain teachers, personally i thought this was sweet. Now as an almost teen having close contact is not something everyone is happy with, infact quite the opposite, even i have frowned on occasions over who our son would hug. In the process of going about his lessons our son is known to stop and chat, poke, prod or other chosen words other children, even kick and try an hit others, apparently not always for any obvious reason, or so I'm led to believe. I do not wear any rose tinted glasses so please don't get me wrong when i doubt these things it's just that i am not there so all i know is what i hear. School dont' wish to segregate him from his peers for example when i suggested he not sit through an hour long assembly and fidget, talk, etc but instead, as a consequence for his actions he has sat in detentions, red room, IIU and spent three weeks in re-focus to allow him time away and allow them time to make observations and give him tools to help him, hmmmm
So the feedback since going back into lessons is that nothing has changed, so i asked did you really expect anything to change, the same stuff happens in the same environment how is that gonna change.
So the latest strategy is to seat him on his own, for his safety and that of others. That doesn't make him stand out from the class does it, make him look like a special case.

I've sat and cried this morning and questioned my own state of mind. Like the glass half full/half empty. My husband worries that our son will stay living with us perhaps beyond what we all assume, he worries that he may not get a job etc and he is a fixer, i hate feeling helpless. My fix atm would be to remove him from school, take him out of the equation and away from the things that contribute to whatever is going on with him whether that be AS/ ADHD/PDA or all of those. We love him, he is our child and we will always look out for him but schools job is to educate him and that is maybe something they need too, or is that a step too far?

Top of the morning

So here i am sat at the laptop at a much earlier time than normal so the outlook is currently middle of the road, yesterday afternoon i saw some lovely sunshine streaming in through the windows so i'm hoping for more later.

Today we're gonna be blagging it. Our son is home feeling under the weather. Yesterday he mentioned having a 'funny' tummy but i sent him in as i didn't see any signs of it in the run up to leaving, in the afternoon he was messaging me saying how un-sympathetic the staff were being almost being the opposite if anything which of course just made the situation worse with our son getting wound up and frustrated. He has a sore eye too, not sure if it's something we need something for so a trip to the chemist today as it seems that's now the thing to do before you call the doctors and see if we can help clear that up, he's still sleeping so that's good.

This week he went horse riding and actually got on a horse, I'm not clear if he was led round on it but he was chuffed to have got on one which i think is something we'd all have reservations about. I have had a couple of horse riding lessons but never went any further with it as the friend i went with stopped, well atleast i think that's what happened.

Our son is still in 'Re-Focus' he has spent more days than not telling me he doesn't want to go to school than ever before which doesn't bode well and 'if' having ADHD is a factor the inconsistencies at school won't be helping any. There was a time when i suggested keeping him out of assemblies especially when it's long as asking any child to sit for up to an hour is a big ask but when talking and fidgeting is a factor it's less than ideal but the response was 'no we don't want to segregate him from his peers' but the consequences at school do just that and whilst I'm trying to see 'Re-Focus' as being helpful rather than punishment he is still working in a hut which was flooded on Monday with possibly two other kids, no outside time, no fresh air, and a distinct lack of social time (which of course comes with it's pitfalls). Next week I'm led to believe they will integrate him back into classes, so more change. I have so little knowledge about this but it feels to me that the things they have done so far are not helping at all. We have a meeting next week so we'll see what gets said but i feel i need to start saying what I'm feeling rather than sitting and listening after all whilst we can't speed up the process of him being assessed i can push for more constructive help......

Snow Day

ADHD

We're looking for an answer,
to explain what we see.
Does anyone actually want,
To help me?

I see the signs.
Do you see them too?
Are they like me?
Or maybe like you?

Following directions.
This way and that.
We can't help you,
we rely on this and that.

When did this happen?
How did it start?
Was it there at the beginning,
always a part?

Hidden behind it,
is a boy we once once knew.
We were one in the same,
Then became two.

We're fighting your corner.
We are always there for you.
Trying to follow the signs
That lead back to you.

So this week's post consists of my thoughts in the form of a poem, can you relate?

The Greatest Showman

So it's Thursday already, sadly i'm releived that this week will soon be over.

Last night we went to see The Greatest Showman as a family. It was a late showing so i was already thinking about how tired one or all of us would be but we had tea at MacDonald's first and then went to the movie. Actually it was a successful evening  after an afternoon that left me feeling completely lost. We all enjoyed the film including my husband which considering the type of film it was was a surprise. For those that haven't seen it it's largely a musical which my son and i love, well music/dance type themes. Upbeat which is just what i needed. We all stayed awake in the comfy seats so thumbs up.

Yesterday my son and i read the GWTCH 'Aspergers's Syndrome and Emotions' we only got half way through it and it provided for some conversation on both our parts regarding how we could relate to examples and situations. I hope to learn more as we continue through it but one thing it confirms is how we are all so individual and how we need to cater for that as we relate to others.

After a stressful afternoon, something i won't go into here i chatted to our son about something i came to realise when i was growing up. When i was young, i don't know how old to be exact i 'thought' my dad had the answer to everything, he appeared to be a fountain of knowledge but throughout my childhood i realised that this was not actually the case. Largely through situations we experienced as a family i realised that he was anything but and largely provided more things to question. Just because we grow up to be 'adults' doesn't mean we come with a reference book with all the answers. Yesterday proved that to me, whereas normally i try and resolve issues and explain situations i was suddenly faced with something i didn't have the tools to fix. I am still clueless this morning and what makes it worse was the implications made by others. So i will work on resolving whatever is going on feeling once again that whilst I'm not alone in this journey feeling supported is not always apparent. In desperation i called my mum having said to myself prior to doing so that mum won't have the answers but feeling as desperate as i did i just needed someone to talk to. As buddy referenced on My Big Fat Fabulous Life, sometimes we can't do it alone, we need help and sometimes i do......

We made it through another day

so the outlook is dark but with icicle highlights lol. It's later than usual when I'm writing this as its the first day of half term if you don't include the weekend but with that comes problems now that our son has reached an age where we let him go out and meet friends. One thing our son doesn't lack is confidence when sticking up for himself, so far unscathed but as a result where you'd really rather he kept a low profile he'll happily have his say whether verbally or using finger gestures iykwim. So this morning he walked his friend back to her house after she popped down to see him and apparently ran into someone who has become a frequent problem for him particularly at school. It appears that nothing happened bar some verbal stuff and so he came home but was later making arrangements to go into town which involved me walking him up there to be sure he made it to meet his friends and did a couple of jobs whilst there offering for him to walk back with me if there was any 'beef' as it's now referred. The previously mentioned child of course put in an appearance along with another but our son seemed to be taking it in his stride. Eventually when it was apparent that said child was out to wind up our son and possibly threaten to 'Shank' him, beat him up in lamens terms our son hooked up with a friend and neighbour who walked him out to a point where he felt confident to walk home alone. It's a nightmare, knowing how much truth there is in all of this unless your actually there and enlighten him that despite his confidence in thinking that these people won't do anything people do and in all manner of ways. Then you say things like, you just won't be able to go out, or only if we're in town or feel like you might have to have words with a town ranger or security person in order to have them aware of possible problems that might occur etc etc. When our son was small we knew a member of staff at the library as we have spent alot of time in there over the years. I would often say if for any reason we are parted in town go there, they will have contact details and you'll be safe, i have even considered that today too and he's 12 now. It's a nightmare even when your child may not have any additional problems never mind if they do.

So when our son returns to school he will be going into what they call Re-Focus, this means he works away from the main school building, in smaller numbers with more 1/1 help, it will apparently give them more time to observe him whilst he's there. I think there are some plus points to this but it's only for two weeks and then they will pop him back into routine stuff again. To be honest I'm not sure what to make of it but i guess we just have to go along with it for the time being until something else appears to be an option. Said boy, one of is at his school so at least for this week and two others he won't be around quite so much. It's truly exhausting dealing with this stuff and in the mean time 'friend' from this morning has her issues so frequently walks out at home and arrives on our door step. Kids these days do seem to have far more 'stuff' going on than we did at their age.

That's it for now, i may update before next Monday, time permitting....

The Girl with the Curly Hair

So today i went to my second 'course' as part of the Girl with the curly hair project. Last weeks was about AS and Eduction, this weeks AS and Behaviour. I have to admit to hoping for light bulb moments last week but that wasn't to be. I appreciate that everyone is different so i shouldn't compare our child to everyone else's but you do. This weeks meeting was very different and i had many moments where i could relate to behavioural issues which is reassuring in itself BUT dealing with looking at everything from a totally different view point is another story. When you take for granted how we all receive input from the outside and realise it doesn't all work that way is alot to take in. For example, if you know you are talking to someone who can't hear you either have to talk louder, use hand gestures or learn to sign, but Autism affects so many aspects of what is normal for most of us and not in any one way and what was once an irritation and deemed a 'control' issue for me is now something totally different. Now i could give you a whole host of examples and you might be able to relate any one of them to your child so i won't but when you club all those little things together it makes for a big ball of confusion. My son asks me most days what Ive been doing, not content with I've been to work or shopping if i tell him I've been shopping he wants to know what I've bought, despite making allowances this is sometimes irritating, i have suggested he have my shopping list so he can see the specifics of my shopping. Taking on board the emphasis on them over experiencing emotions is helpful but teaching him to do all the things I've suggested knowing full well how difficult i find it on occasions is also easier said than done. Processing information.....personally this is something that really irritates my husband about me, if he asks me if i want to do something it's actually rare that i have  a strong feeling in the first instance so i will sometimes go for an auto response but when I've had time to think it through i may come up with a completely different answer or if I've had a meeting at school i may remain quiet and not say much only to compute the information over a matter of days and then go, hang on a minute that's not right or why didn't i say this etc so when you're arguing with a child who takes time to process all that you throw at them in a short space of time what are we expecting in return, never mind when one parent is reluctant to back down or leave things be so it's alot to deal with. I have made a start over the last few years but i  have alot to learn and un-learn as the case maybe. Auto response to all that comes my way where our son is concerned. Thinking through new ways of discussing frustrating situations with situations at school and with friends, getting to the bottom of why he feels the way he does, why he reacts the way he does and worst of all how others react to him when he does. So I'll continue to learn and hope that i continue to support him in any way i can and that in time he will progress in a positive fashion as we hope all our children will.

Let the sunshine in :)

So here we are another week round but the view from my window is quite different, a cold frosty morning with sunshine which makes all the difference to me, i love to see the sunshine even if i don't appreciate it's heat lol

So today my son should be going horse riding. As part of our Early Help it was brought up with very little discussion and when asked if he would like it i said he might. He had been to a place with horses before but they didn't ride them, they groomed them and talked about approaching them and even decorated them with chalks one day, strange but true. After last weeks session our son was sick on the way home, he sometimes mentions feeling ill on car journeys but is rarely sick, the horse session wasn't where i thought it was and as a result he was ill on the way back to school. I only know this because he text me from  his phone so i was then waiting for school to call me to pick him up which they didn't. When i asked how he got on he didn't say much to indicate one way or another how he felt just that the other boy who went was much more reluctant regarding the horses than he was. So there has been very little discussion at home since until yesterday when we were encouraging our son to organise his things ready for today and he was saying he didn't want to go. Most of his reasons for not going were in relation to the other boy which doesn't seem like a good reason not to go but he said he didn't really like it either so wrongly or not i thought oh well back to lessons for you if you don't want to go.

This morning i sent him off to school having informed them of this discussion but also telling him he needed to go and chat with the Senco lady and explain. On my return home later i am told it's a six week course and can i bring his boots in to school by which time it's too late anyway. So what do you do, i have tried explaining and not just to him (another story) that school is just that, it's a place you go every day to learn, you might not like it, the lessons or the teachers but it's just something we do. I do have very mixed feelings about school these days particularly with the difficulties we now face daily but sometimes you just wish your children would just get on with it, easy to say i know. So who knows how things will have worked out today, time will tell but to an extent i am trying not to stress unnecessarily over these things..............